Kiss Your Miracle

Earlier this week I had a break from my usual routine at home with Sky. My mother-in-law Terry volunteered to take her for the entire day so I could get some work done. I’m doing a three-week training session for an online grading job and I’ve also started writing articles on-line to earn a little extra money. But during a typical day with Adam at work, my only computer time is whenever Sky naps, which is sometimes just 40 minutes – barely enough time to get started. So when Terry offered to watch Sky at her house I quickly accepted. From 9am until 4:30pm on Tuesday I had the entire house to myself.

I think I’ve been home without Sky two times so far since she was born. It was definitely a weird feeling to walk through the door by myself after dropping her off with her grandma. But in my mind a clock was ticking and I didn’t want to waste a minute. I sat right down to work and just like that, three hours passed. I stopped for fifteen minutes to make myself a big, fat bowl of oatmeal and then went back to work. By 3:30pm I’d accomplished even more than I’d planned. I could also feel my brain starting to shut down, so I decided my work day was over.

I stood up and stretched. I cleaned up the kitchen, then straightened the living room. I looked down at Sky’s toys, still stacked in the corner exactly like they’d been at 9am. Suddenly, my mind filled with questions about her. What was Sky doing just then? What had she eaten for lunch? Had she pooped? Did she miss me? What should I do with myself for the next hour? For a while I just stood there. Then I decided to lie down on the bed and read. But I couldn’t concentrate. I looked at the clock every five minutes.

At 4:30pm Adam walked through the door with Sky in his arms. I immediately grabbed her and kissed her sweet face all over, asking her a million questions about her day. She squealed and squirmed to be put down. “Well,” I said as she took off running. “Okay then.”

Later that night as I prayed for her before bed, I realized how much less tired I felt than usual. It had been nice to have a break, nice to have the chance to miss my baby. And I found myself looking forward to tomorrow, when I’d get to have her all to myself again.

To all you stay-at-home moms without family around (thanks again, Terry!), I hope you can afford to splurge on a babysitter. And not just for a date-night with your hubby. But for yourself. So you can accomplish something you’ve been wanting to do without any interruptions. Or maybe just so you can lie down on the bed and read. It might feel a bit odd, but that’s okay. Motherhood is a job that doesn’t really have an end. Breaks are good.

Sky is currently obsessed with books.    She’s never been a sit-still kind of girl, and the only cuddles I usually get are right after naptime when she’s still half-asleep. The rest of the time she’s on the move. But lately when we sit on the floor for playtime, she’ll bring me a book and then climb into my lap. I typically get through about half the words on each page before she’s flipping to the next one, and our little “reading” session usually lasts about 30 seconds before she jumps up to grab a different book. But still, my little girl loves books. I keep telling myself that she’s only thirteen months old and she’s going to change a lot over the years. But for now, she loves books. And as a go-to-the-library-once-a-week, total book nerd myself, I have a question for all you experienced mommies. Is it too early for me to get really, really excited?

Earlier today I was putting some sheets away in the linen closet when Sky slipped in beneath me and pulled out the scale. She dragged it into the hallway and for a while it fascinated her just to step on, step off, back on, etc. Then she noticed the numbers and that little red moving line and her face grew very serious. I grabbed my camera as she frowned in concentration. “Aw honey,” I said, laughing at her concerned expression. “We’ve all been there.” A few seconds later she looked up at me and grinned and started dancing around on the scale. I’m not really sure what her thoughts were in that moment or why she was suddenly so happy. But the next time I get on a scale and find myself a little too worked up over what it tells me, I’m going to remember my baby girl. Sometimes kids are just so smart.

A year ago today I became a mother. Well, technically it first happened about nine months before then, but on July 22^nd of last year, I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time. And I know this will sound terrible, but I’m going to admit it anyway – I don’t actually remember that moment. The beginning of my life as a mom was surprising in many ways, starting with labor. We went to the hospital on a Monday night for an induction, geared up for a long, slow, medicated birth. Even when my doctor checked me at the hospital, I wasn’t dilated at all. The plan was for him to prep my cervix that night and start Pitocin the next morning to induce contractions. But forty minutes after he’d gone home for the night, my water broke and contractions began on their own.

Labor was a whirlwind. I couldn’t catch my breath or open my eyes. I dilated so quickly I didn’t even have time for an epidural – a good thing, since I’d originally wanted to do it without one – but in the moment, I definitely would have had one if it’d been possible. It probably sounds stupid, but I wasn’t prepared for just how much labor would hurt or how out of control things would feel. Sky’s position was posterior, so she came down the birth canal face up and got stuck. She also had the cord around her neck twice, so with each contraction her heart rate dipped, and she’d had her meconium stool before the birth as well. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, experienced doctor, who was able to turn her and get her out safely. It took a couple long minutes for her to cry, but once she did her color quickly went from gray to pink. A nurse handed her to Adam and I remember him bringing her over to me, but I told him I felt too shaky to hold her or nurse her at that point. Adam later informed me that I did hold her then, but I have no memory of it.

The intensity of my labor and delivery matched the intensity of my first few weeks as a mother. When Sky was a newborn she fussed or cried almost every waking moment, and I spent most of those early days feeling totally overwhelmed. I quickly realized that being a mom was much harder than I’d envisioned during our years of infertility.

But now, a year after Sky’s birth, I can also say that motherhood is much better than I’d anticipated. My daughter amazes me. I watch her walk around, talking her own little language, and I can’t help but think how perfectly God made her. Even though she doesn’t say words yet, she communicates all the time. I love reading the expression in her big, blue eyes – seeing her curiosity, her joy, her intelligence. I make a complete idiot out of myself for as long as she keeps laughing – it just makes me so happy to see her enjoying herself. There are still days when I’m frustrated to tears, when I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of being someone’s mother. I had no idea just how much work it would be to raise a child twenty-four hours a day. But if that part was unexpected, so was the reward. I am so blessed to know this tiny person, this compact bundle of energy and personality. The knowledge that she is only one year old today is exciting to me. Lord willing, I’ll get to love her through many more years of life. I know that parts of it will be tiring and stressful – the draining part of motherhood can’t be separated from the rest of it. But I’m thankful for the entire experience. Whatever I’ve given of myself to my baby, she has given back to me many times over.

Skylar Grace, I’m a mother living my dream because you are here. Happy Birthday, little girl. I love you.

I don’t have anything all that interesting or profound to say about this photo – just had to show it to you. This is Skylar, my high-energy, sleep-fighting, hates-to-be-strapped-anywhere baby, covered in peanut butter and rice cake and fast asleep in her high chair. If you look closely, you can see that she actually has peanut butter on her eyelids because she rubbed them with her messy hands as she got tired. Before this, she had never drifted off whileeating and I don’t expect her to do it again. But I’m glad I took this picture. Some moments are meant to be savored.