Kiss Your Miracle

“He (God) settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” I came across this verse the other day in the Bible (Psalm 113:9) and felt myself come to a stop. I haven’t read Psalm 113 in a while, and I couldn’t help but remember how that particular verse struck me during our infertility. I’d usually sit there wondering, what about me, God? Will this apply to me someday?

It turns out God did have babies planned for me, but I still think of infertility when I read the verse. I can’t help but wonder about my friends, the ones still waiting, unsure if God has children in store for them as well. Many couples who struggle with infertility go on to get pregnant or adopt children and become happy parents that way. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. If a couple dealing with infertility gets to a place where they feel settled in their lives as a family of two, that’s one thing. But what about those who continue to wait painfully year after year?

Most Christians would probably say this verse is mainly about God’s character. He is gracious and giving and takes care of His people. It’s a principal, not a promise. And I would agree with that interpretation. But that doesn’t mean the verse is easy for an infertile woman to read. It definitely wasn’t for me. The Bible refers to itself as a sword – a truth that works on many levels. Sometimes the emotions it brings out are piercing, and the only way I know to respond to that pain is with prayer. I used to pray for myself, that God would help me deal with the feeling of being forgotten, and that He would “remember” me the way He remembered Sarah, Hannah, Leah, Rachel, Rebecca, Elizabeth, and many other women of the Bible. Now I pray the same words for my friends.

This morning God added a new dimension to this verse for me. The word “happy” practically jumped off the page into my face. Now that God has answered my prayer and made me a mother, can I honestly say I’ve responded with joy? Not just at first, but now, in the day-to-day reality of life with two little kids? Am I happy? Or am I just on to the next thing I wish I could change? The verse is about God, but it’s also a challenge to me and the perspective I choose every day.

When Sky first met Micah, she immediately offered him a ball to play with. It was a perfect beginning. But Micah’s officially a month old now, and since that first day, we’ve had our share of conflict – like this morning, when Skylar cried through Micah’s entire thirty minute feeding because I wasn’t giving her my full attention.

During those times I usually remind myself of all the wonderful mothers I know who somehow make life work with many children. The women in my family are all role models for me, especially because they’re willing to talk about their parenting mistakes and compromises. When my mom was here right after Micah’s birth, Sky was having an off day, and my mom told me to put on some cartoons for her. “But isn’t it bad for her?” I said. I do let Sky watch TV, but I usually feel guilty for it. “Are you kidding?” my mom laughed. “I used to beg you guys to watch TV when you were toddlers.”

I’m not trying to advocate lots of TV for little kids and I know my mom isn’t either (my only TV-related memories are of her telling us to turn it off). I’m just grateful that my mothering examples have never pretended like their kids didn’t taste sugar or watch a movie until they left home. I hope I set high standards and try for the best with my children, but it’s good to remember I don’t have to be perfect. Life isn’t always as pretty as our pictures; I’ve had several major meltdowns in the past four weeks. But I think that’s just how it is to be a mom. It’s messy and chaotic and emotional I love it anyway.

The best cure for the baby blues = Adam walking in the door from work, kissing me and Micah, and then tickling Sky until she can’t stop laughing.

Now that we have Micah, Sky’s place in our family has shifted. She’s no longer “our baby.” She’s our big girl, the oldest, Micah’s sister. Because she’s only nineteen months, she doesn’t have the words to articulate her feelings, but her actions show that the adjustment is hard for her. Her volume level is higher than ever before (and it was loud to start with) and she’s been throwing more temper tantrums. So far she hasn’t done anything but shower Micah himself with kisses, but I carefully stand guard when she’s hovering over him.

Life with two kids is an adjustment for Adam and me too. When I’m home alone with Sky and Micah I have my moments of “Hey, I can do this!” And those moments are usually followed by unexpected chaos that has all three of us crying together. But no matter how crazy any one day may be, I know without a doubt that this is the life I always wanted. Micah’s sudden presence in our family may be rough for Sky right now and even stretching for Adam and me as parents, but it’s also the very best thing for all of us. Micah is now three weeks old and we thank God for him each day.