Kiss Your Miracle

motherhood after infertility


Money April 12, 2010

Filed under: Faith,Family — Linnea @ 12:44 pm

Ever since my father’s cancer and death in November 2009, I’ve wanted to move from Florida to Michigan to live near my family. Adam and I have been in Florida for almost seven years now and we’ve loved it, mainly because his family is all here and they are wonderful people. But we only get to see my family a few times a year, and especially now that my dad is gone, that doesn’t seem like enough.

We’ve talked about moving many times, but we own a home here and Adam has a good job working in his father’s business. Florida’s been hit especially hard by the recession and it’s a horrible time to put a house on the market. Michigan’s also one of the only states with higher unemployment than Florida. Logic says moving now would make no sense.

Then last week Adam came home from a small group meeting he’d had with several other businessmen-friends. He looked at me very seriously and said, “If you want to move to Michigan now, even though I don’t have a job lined up and we haven’t sold our house, I’m willing to go.” I sat there for a minute. I do want that. But whenever I’ve prayed about it, I only feel uneasy, like God is quietly telling us to stay put and wait for His timing.

When I expressed that to Adam he said, “Well then, we should plan a visit north for you and the kids. If you want to go every other month, you can.” When I mentioned our budget, which doesn’t have room for loads of travel expenses, he said, “I don’t want you to worry about that. You lost your dad this year and you’ve lived far from your family for a long time now. I don’t know what that feels like. I want you to have time with them, even if we don’t live there.” It was hard for me to talk through the tears rolling down my face. But I managed to say to thank you. And in that moment, a bit of the sadness that’s been pulling my head down the past few months lifted.

The next day an AC repair man visited our house and left us with a large bill – much higher than several round-trip tickets to Michigan would cost. Then the AC went out in my car. Air conditioning might be a luxury where you live, but in Florida it’s not. A house without it will have warped cabinets and woodwork from the humidity, not to mention sweaty, grumpy home owners.

What do those two unexpected bills mean for my plans to go north? Nothing. Adam and I believe in living debt-free when possible, so we wouldn’t be comfortable traveling on credit cards. We also want to be wise and keep an emergency fund in the bank. But there is a fine line between saving out of wisdom and saving out of fear. I know God wants us to be smart and use common sense when it comes to money. But there is also a time to make plans in faith, knowing God will provide the money for what He’s leading you to do.

The Bible tells us that everything in this world will pass away except faith, hope, and love. So like Pastor Colin Smith says, I want to focus my life on the things that will remain. I can’t imagine getting to heaven with regret over how much money we spent to be with family if love was our motive to go. I’m grateful my husband feels the same way and that he’s willing to sacrifice for it to happen.

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13:13

 

Weakness April 8, 2010

Filed under: Faith,Family — Linnea @ 12:54 pm

It’s one thing to talk about my problems once they’ve been resolved. Writing about my experience with infertility isn’t usually difficult because it’s over now. But sharing about something I’m still dealing with is a lot harder. After I wrote a bit last week about feeling down (Blue), I sat at my computer for a while, debating – do I really want to put this on my blog for anyone to read? Eventually I decided not to overthink it and posted it.

I’m not sorry I did. I’ve always known that God has blessed me with sweet, generous friends and family, and all the comments and messages were encouraging (I promise I didn’t start a blog just so you all could build me up when I’m feeling down, but thanks for doing it so much!). No one called me a complainer or told me to “just” do this or that and everything would be wonderful again. But even before I looked at the comments, immediately after I put up the post, my mood lifted. Things didn’t seem as overwhelming as they had an hour earlier.

It’s interesting how God specifically places power inside weakness. I don’t like being vulnerable, but when God is pressing on me, leading me to open up about something, it always works out best when I do it.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Girltime! April 7, 2010

Filed under: Family — Linnea @ 12:54 pm

There’s nothing like a visit from my mom and sisters to make everything seem better. My only complaint is that they left too soon…

 

 

 

Blue April 1, 2010

Filed under: Motherhood — Linnea @ 12:53 pm

How could you not love kids this cute? Micah’s big, toothless grins definitely make up for some of my feeding-every-few-hours-at-night exhaustion. And Sky’s excitement over just about everything in life makes up for some of the stress her temper tantrums cause. But it still hasn’t been an easy week.

Near the end of my pregnancy, I started to get nervous about dealing with the baby blues. I went through a bit of depression right after I had Sky and wondered if it would happen again, only more so because of my dad’s death, Jill’s death, and the extra work of having two kids instead of just one. But Micah’s birth was wonderful and just a week and a half later, my mom and sisters arrived. I was tired, but relieved and thankful to have two healthy children and my family here with me.

Now though, as Micah closes in on two months, I’ve noticed myself feeling a bit weary, as if the adrenaline I ran on for the first six weeks of his life has worn off, leaving me tired and spent. It’s awful to feel down when your life overflows with blessings, so I’m doing my best to live gratefully the way I know God wants me to. I believe there are times when my emotions aren’t trustworthy and this seems to be one of those times. Exhaustion tends to cloud my thoughts, especially when it lasts for weeks.

As I write this, I’m hearing the words of many mothers a little ahead of me on the path saying, “This too shall pass,” and I know it will. I’ll start to get more sleep and things will naturally look brighter. I feel guilty even admitting to the baby blues after everything God’s given me. But there’s no point to this blog if I’m not being honest, so I thought I’d share with you what’s happening in my head today, even as I know things will get better tomorrow.

 

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