Kiss Your Miracle

Should I get an epidural? I woke up today and realized that I’m 33 weeks pregnant, which is probably about time to start thinking about the whole labor and delivery process. During my first pregnancy I decided I really wanted a natural childbirth. Then somewhere around seven centimeters dilation, I changed my mind and decided that yes, definitely yes, I needed that epidural. By that point though, it was too late. I didn’t realize it in the moment, but I was actually almost done with labor. So in the end I did have Sky epidural-free, and I’m glad for that because it’s what I’d originally wanted. I’m just not sure I want to do it again.

Becoming a mother is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. But the birth experience was nothing like I’d expected. I’d heard over and over about the rush of hormones you get after natural childbirth and how you forget what you’ve just endured physically once your baby is placed in your arms. That didn’t happen for me. When I look back at the birth experience, the main thing I remember is the pain (the PAIN) and how I was shaking so much afterward I didn’t feel like I should hold my child at all for a while. Even though I’d prayed for little Skylar Grace more than I’ve prayed for anything in my life, I didn’t feel instantly bonded to her.

I realize though, that every birth experience is different. Sky was posterior as she came down the birth canal and hopefully this baby won’t be. Maybe I should give natural birth another try. I have a much better idea of what to expect now, and maybe an epidural wouldn’t solve any problems; maybe it would actually create some new ones. Or maybe it would be wonderful. Maybe I would be more mentally present without the intense pain and more aware in the moment of how incredible it is to see a new life (our son!) enter the world.

I’m blessed to know many women with all different ideas about birth and babies and motherhood. What do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Near the time of my dad’s death, my mom wrote a post on her blog about being her husband’s helper. When she was overwhelmed with the idea of caring for him through his cancer, she felt God reminding her that all she needed to do was the thing she’d always done: help him. Her words stuck with me, partly because I know she really lived that way. I have no memories of my mom belittling my dad, correcting him, or nagging him. Even during my self-centered teenage years when I was hyper-critical of my father and constantly pointing out his flaws, my mom never once agreed with me. She would always defend her husband.

Now that I’m older and married, her philosophy of helping has even more meaning, and I keep thinking about it. To be honest, it’s not really that difficult for me to want to help Adam, and I guess that’s mainly because he’s always helping me. I used to give Sky a bath every night, but now that my belly is big enough to make the process really awkward, he does it. “No, you put your feet up,” he tells me when I offer to help.

Sky just cut two new teeth and she’s been irritable this week (major understatement). But Adam still jumps right in with her when he gets home from work. The other day after he put up our Christmas lights while I sat in a lawn chair on the driveway, he took Sky for ride after ride on his old long skateboard. I grabbed the camera and found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for my husband, who takes such good care of his family. Things in our marriage are really good right now. But I’m also praying we have many more years together, and that will probably include some tough stretches. I hope I don’t forget my mom’s wisdom when those difficult times come, and instead of pushing my own agenda or trying to prove that I’m right, I hope I step back and focus on what God really wants us to do in our marriages: help each other.

I know it’s December, but so far this year I haven’t felt very Christmasy. To me, the holidays are all about celebrating the gift of Jesus with family, and now that my dad is gone, my family feels very different. In a sense, this should be a very special Christmas; because Jesus came to earth, I have the assurance that one day I’ll get to see my dad again in heaven. But even though I believe that with all my heart, I still feel sad when I think about the holidays. There won’t be any more Christmases here with my dad, and sometimes eternity feels very far away.

Over the weekend, Adam and I decided to get a Christmas tree. We debated it for a while. “Is it worth it?” I asked. “Will Sky completely destroy it as soon as we get it up?” I just couldn’t imagine a beautiful, lit-up Christmas tree sitting peacefully in the corner of our living room without her trying to climb up it, or yank off all the lights, or maybe even pull the whole thing down on top of herself. “It’ll be okay,” said Adam, and I thought about how my parents always had little kids in the house and we always had a Christmas tree anyway (though I do remember a few tree-falling incidents). So off we went to pick out a tree, in the pouring Florida rain.

One positive thing about having a high-maintenance child – she doesn’t allow me much time for self-pity. I was too busy forcing her to hold my hand as we walked around the trees to feel sad that I won’t get to be with my mom and siblings in Michigan for this first Christmas without my dad. We grabbed a tree in five minutes flat and got back in the truck before Sky could take off running through the aisles of trees.

Once we got home, Adam pulled out our Christmas boxes and got to work trimming the tree. I sat on the floor with Sky and let her dig through the ornaments. Most of them are very old ornaments that Adam and I made when we were kids in Sunday school. Our moms passed them on to us after our wedding, and they’re almost all battered and falling apart. Sky was fascinated by them. And once we put lights on the tree, she was beside herself with excitement, shrieking and jumping around. She watched me hang a few ornaments and immediately began to imitate me. Sure, she’d pull them off right after putting them on, but Adam and I were still impressed that she was even interested in the decorating part.

I’m starting to realize that one of the best parts about being a parent is the way it forces you to get over yourself. You can still spend time moping around, convincing yourself that everything is miserable. But not as much time. Little kids have a way of pushing you forward, making you laugh, and reminding you that no, not everything is miserable. Some things are still okay. Some things are actually wonderful. Jesus came to earth with the promise of something more, and nothing, not even my fickle emotions, can change that.

Life is always full of questions, but sometimes it seems like the questions are suddenly huge. And instead of just appearing in one area of life, they’re all over the place. Adam and I are in that kind of stage right now, where the future is filled with unknowns. Neither one of us has any idea what 2010 will hold. Lord willing, it will include a healthy newborn arriving in February (or maybe January – please Lord? Can this one come early?), but beyond that, we just don’t know. Will next year mean a new job for Adam? Will that be a good thing? Will 2010 include a cross-country move? And if so, will we be able to sell our house here? What will it be like to have a tiny baby in our house again, this time with a high-energy toddler around? Will we be able to handle everything in store for us?

Adam and I have had many talks lately about our uncertain circumstances. In church world you hear a lot about the will of God and his plans for the life of each individual. People talk about how it was God’s will for so and so to get married or to be sick or to lose his job. It’s all rather confusing to me, and I can’t say that I know where the line is between our personal decisions and God’s sovereign control.

Recently though, Adam and I came across a short verse in 1 Thessalonians that has clarified things for us. It says, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (5:18). Neither one of us can get it out of our heads. Whenever we talk about the future, we end up back at that verse. Sometimes it frustrates us. When we’re asking which direction to go, that’s not the answer we want. The verse’s instruction isn’t easy. But it is simple. And it reminds us of where our focus should be – less on what we should do tomorrow and more on thanking God for what he’s given us today.