Kiss Your Miracle

I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now and it’s been a great experience, mainly because of you, my reader-friends. It was a bit scary when I first started, but your comments were always supportive and understanding. I had no idea all the things I’d be writing about this past year. I just knew I wanted to talk about my experience with infertility and my start as a mother. Then I was suddenly pregnant again, and I got to share all about that and the birth of Micah Nathan this past February. I also wrote about my dad’s cancer and death. This past year has been one of major changes; writing the blog has forced me to spend time thinking it all through. And if the blog has been therapeutic, you all have been the counselors. It’s been wonderful to dump out my feelings and have you read them and remind me I’m not alone. Your encouraging words will stay with me for a long time.

I’ve decided to wrap up this blog for now and maybe start something new in the fall. I’ve written a lot about motherhood through the lens of infertility, which is a perspective I never want to forget. My history makes me grateful for the miracles I’ve been given and it helps me empathize with anyone still waiting to be a parent. At the same time, I’m ready to move forward and let the infertility chapter of my life be closed. I don’t want to dwell on the pain God has removed.

The Bible talks a lot about seasons and how there’s a proper time for everything. Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books, says there is a time to be silent and a time to speak (3:7). I think I’ve said what I wanted, so maybe now is a time to be quiet. Ecclesiastes also says, “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” (6:11). A talker like me should take wisdom like that to heart.

Thanks again for reading. Your comments have lifted my spirits more than you probably know. I also have to give a great big thank you to my sweet Adam, who set up my blog, maintained it (along with blogs for several other people), talked through lots of ideas with me, read every single post, and touched up all the photos. It’s pretty cool to be married to your favorite person on the planet.

I hope over this past year I’ve said something you’ve found encouraging. But more than that, I hope I’ve given glory to God. His opinion matters most of all.

PS – I couldn’t do my last post without tossing in a couple family photos. I just love these people so much!

Micah is turning into a little thumb-sucker. This is both a good and bad thing. Self-soothing is a wonderful skill for a baby to develop, both for his sake and his parents’. And Micah looks cute sucking his thumb. But sometimes I wonder if he’ll get so hooked on it that he’ll still be doing it in grade school, wanting to give it up, but unable to resist the temptation.

Habits are hard to break for both kids and adults. Most of us here in America have access to all kinds of comfort. It’s a blessing until we go from simply enjoying something to becoming dependent on it. But where is that line? How do we know if we should try for moderation or just cut something out entirely?

The Bible tells us to sacrifice for the sake of holiness (Romans 12:1) and to keep ourselves unstained by the world (James 1:27). But it also tells us to enjoy life. The author of Ecclesiastes writes, “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God” (3:12-13).

I believe in absolute truth, and in some places Scripture is very clear. Jesus says He is the only way to eternal life. You can’t get around that and still claim to believe the Bible. But Scripture is also full of ambiguity. It’s fascinating to me that God chose to leave His word in our hands to interpret and apply.

And sometimes it’s frustrating. I have categories where I want God to spell out the details for me. How much wine is too much? How much media is too much? I guess if there was one sweeping standard, it’d be laid out in the Bible. It seems my question about the line – what God wants His believers to enjoy and what He wants them to sacrifice – will be drawn in different places for each individual.

Figuring all this out isn’t easy. But the more I talk with God and search His word for answers, the more I know Him. God does everything on purpose, and it seems He wants me to spend this time with Him as He helps me draw lines where they need to be. Not for others, but for myself. And not for the past or the future, but for now. I like the little comforts God has put in my life, but I want to save my love for God Himself, and writing my personal definition of moderation is part of that.

I’m not sure what all this has to do with Micah and his thumb-sucking. But it’s interesting how thought-provoking a baby can be.

Snot, puke, and tears. That pretty much sums up our week – sickness. Sky is starting to get better now, but Micah’s at his worst so far. Even drinking his bottle is a struggle since he can’t breathe through his nose. Last night at 3am after he projectile-vomited the milk he’d just had (I think from gulping in too much air), he looked up at me with big, red-rimmed eyes as if to say, “What’s happening to me, Mommy?”

This morning I’m grateful my kids haven’t been sick much in their short, little lives. Good health isn’t something I want to take for granted, especially not in my family. I’m also thankful for Veggie Tales, Starbucks coffee, and the fact that today is almost over.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. My dad’s death, Jill’s death, and even my own. I listened to a podcast last week by Francis Chan and can’t get it out of my head. His topic was Revelation 4, which describes the throne of God in heaven. Chan’s main point was that most of what we obsess over on earth will mean nothing to us on that day. All any of us will want in that moment is to hear Jesus speak the words “well done” over our lives.

I wonder about my dad and Jill, and what it was like for them when they opened their eyes and found themselves staring at the actual throne of God across the crystal sea. Were they thrilled? Relieved? Terrified? I have no idea and that makes me want to cry. I believe heaven will be wonderful, but none of it is familiar, so in that sense it’s intimidating. I don’t like that I can’t picture exactly what my dad is doing right now.

Life has a heaviness to it these days. Once the kids are asleep, my thoughts immediately go to my dad, my family, Jill, and her family. I’ve never felt grief like this and I wonder how long it will take for things to feel normal again or if they ever will. But the Bible says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and I know God is with me in the sadness.

He keeps blessing me, too. This past weekend was nice in so many small ways. The sunset on Friday was amazing. Adam and I had no plans at all and spent loads of time playing with the kids on the living room floor, watching Cubs games and the Kentucky Derby. On Saturday we got a new baby pool for Sky and she liked it so much we couldn’t get her out of it. Best of all, Micah laughed for the first time this weekend.

Little physical blessings don’t erase grief. But each one reminds me that God is good and loving and He has filled my life with wonderful things I didn’t earn and don’t deserve.

“Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone – as though we had never been here. But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear Him.” – Psalm 103:15-17a

I’m not going to write about all the ways the beginning of life is similar to the end, or how much babies and old people have common. I’m sure that’s been done before. I just want to share this picture of Micah’s head. The baby hair he was born with has completely fallen out – all except for a slim ring of hair just above his neck. I recently put this photo up as our computer’s desktop and I smile every time I see it. I love our sweet Micah Nathan and his little old man head so much.