Kiss Your Miracle

motherhood after infertility


Tribute January 14, 2010

Filed under: Faith,Friendship — Linnea @ 9:08 am

On Monday afternoon, my cell phone rang. The caller ID said “Jilly” so I immediately answered it. But it wasn’t Jill. It was her husband James, and I could tell right away from the tone of his voice that he didn’t have good news. A minute later the words “Jill passed away last night” were pressing their way into my brain against my will.

Jill battled cancer for several years and had recently begun hospice care, but that doesn’t make saying goodbye to her any easier. She is leaving behind her husband and toddler son, her parents and sisters and their families, and countless friends. Even though we know the truth – that Jill is with Jesus in heaven, fully healed of her pain – it’s still sad to think we won’t get to make any more memories with her on earth.

All of us who knew Jill would probably agree that there is no one else like her. She loved God in a radical way that drew people to her. I met her in 1999 when I first went out to the Youth With a Mission (YWAM) base in Kona, Hawaii. She was my small group leader. I’d just graduated from a private Christian university and my life at that point was a confused mess of regret. I’d convinced myself during college that most Christians were hypocritical and judgmental, but I also knew that God was real. I hated that I felt so far from Him, but didn’t know how to find my way back. Then I got to know Jill, who loved God without a touch of cynicism. The way she talked about Him shocked me. Her faith was not about doing the right thing. She was motivated by an intimate, genuine love for Jesus, and that translated into a joyful life regardless of her circumstances. She helped me articulate the problems I had with God and work through them. She was in the water with me the day I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean, and I knew at that moment we’d be friends for life.

I know I can speak for many people when I say that our grief right now is overwhelming. At the same time, I don’t want all my attention to be on Jill’s death – not when she lived so fully for God each day. Thinking through my favorite Jill memories has been therapeutic for me this week, and I have to share some of them with you:

~ spilling my guts to her about all the stupid stuff I’d done, and the way she just sat there and listened for the longest time, and then prayed for me.

~ how excited she was for me when I joined the YWAM staff six months later.

~ watching her drive a stick-shift van on the left side of the road during rush hour in Auckland, New Zealand with no stress whatsoever.

~ making pancakes for breakfast on our “illegal” hot plate in Building 4.

~ our staff worship and prayer times together.

~ hanging out at the Kona Denny’s with Jess and Ad, hearing Jill explain that she wanted us to be her Assistant School Leaders (ASLs!) for the school she was about to lead.

~ sitting in a church in Thailand, listening to Jill tell the girls on my outreach team, “It’s good for you to go a long time without washing your hair. The grease is like conditioner.”

~ watching her completely flip out over James when they first got together. When he called to tell her he was coming to visit her in Kona, she actually leaped across the room and head-butted my leg.

~ her entire wedding week – getting to know her family (who treated me like another daughter from the day I met them), running around Missoula, and the way she had the reception set up outside even though the weatherman predicted thunderstorms. “I asked Jesus for clear skies,” she explained, and that’s exactly what she got. We all watched her dance to “butt-rock” that night beneath an orange sunset with the love of her life.

~ all the weekends Adam and I spent hanging out with her and James during our SBS in Montana, how we ate cereal from massive serving bowls, and the way she just smiled when I told her Adam and I would never be more than friends, and then smiled some more a few weeks later when I told her Adam and I were crazy in love with each other.

~ that she made my hair look incredible for my wedding, and liked her bridesmaid’s dress so much she actually wore it again.

~ how she and James couldn’t wait to move to Thailand to be missionaries.

~ walking around Miami with her when she had no hair from chemo, and the way she didn’t wear a wig. “I don’t really care if people stare at me,” she said.

~ the way we had one conversation about the things we didn’t like in the whole “Prayer of Jabez” phenomenon, and afterward sent a “Prayer of Jabez” coin back and forth to each other hidden inside birthday and Christmas gifts for years without ever talking about it.

~ when she and her friend Carla came to Ocala to see me at the end of my first pregnancy. I was overdue and miserable, but she made me laugh anyway, of course. We went out for Thai food and Jill had a full conversation in Thai with our server.

~ talking with her about our miracle babies.

~ sitting on the lawn outside her house this past summer, studying all the flowers in her garden that she was so proud of while William played nearby.

~ how she never waivered in her faith. During one of my last conversations with her, she said she’d never felt more strongly that God loved her.

I cried for a long time after I heard the news on Monday. Later that night after Sky was asleep, I was lying on the bed curled up next to Adam. My mega-sized belly was resting against his side and the baby was in high-energy mode, kicking and twisting and making us both laugh a little through our tears. “I can just picture him in there,” Adam said after a few minutes, “so comfortable all squished up in the dark, thinking he’s really living his life. But pretty soon he’ll be born. And that process will probably feel like death. But then he’ll open his eyes and he’ll know for the first time what it really means to be alive.”

It says in Revelation that when life on earth has ended, believers will be with Jesus in heaven, where there won’t be any pain or sadness or death, and where God will wipe away every tear in our eyes. My brain cannot fathom what that will be like. But I believe in that promise, that heaven is a real place, and that Jill is with her Savior right now. And I don’t think it’s possible to spend too much time dwelling on that fact today.

 

15 Responses to “Tribute”

  1. Aron Says:

    Linnea, what a beautiful tribute to the amazing person Jill IS! You have such wonderful memories and describe them so vividly. I burst into tears when I read Adam’s description of birth compared to what it’s like to begin our new lives in Heaven. Thank you for sharing some of the things that made your friendship so deep and meaningful. You and James and little William are all in my prayers. Love, Aron

  2. Nicki Says:

    You and your friend Jill’s family are in my prayers today. You don’t know me, but I have been (and continue to be) touched by your blog entries. I’m sorry you have endured so much loss recently. It sometimes feels like more than one can bear. Adam’s analogy is excellent and true. “Jilly” is having the time of her life right now, and just as God is serving as husband for your mom, he will be Parent and Best Friend to Jill’s family.

  3. Kelly Vos Says:

    Linnea, I am so sorry, you have had to go through so much lately! Jill truly was an amazing woman who impacted so many lives. Thanks for sharing some of your story with Jill, she will be missed by so many. She really truly was a life well lived and someone who left behind an amazing legacy of faith.

  4. Mom Says:

    One hundred per cent of my memories of Jill are linked with your wedding, Linni. She brought sparkle and pizazz to every room she entered. I loved watching her in action as she did hair for EVERYBODY on your wedding day, including her own, and was still adjusting hairdos as we lined up for pictures afterwards, making sure we all looked our best. What a precious saint of God, such a lively addition to heaven’s crowd! I know Papa recognized her the minute she came in. And by the way, Ad is right up there with Spurgeon, CSLewis, Oswald C. and Yancy. I love that boy and his rich spiritual insights… Don’t forget what Grandma Johnson would say, “Linnea, be good to him.”

  5. Mom Says:

    Also, I just love the picture of you and Jill… and of course our Skylar Grace. She was adorable even back then!

  6. TLC Says:

    Linni,
    I cried when I heard of Jill’s passing after her struggling so long with the cancer. My heart is sad for your double loss to cancer within three months. I am glad I had a chance to meet Jill at your wedding. Your tribute of memories depicts such a vivacious woman of God who was grounded in knowing who He was in her and who she was in Him. That is a comfort to hold on to. From your description of the relationship you had with her, I can see where God planted foundational seeds of your identity in Him that is causing you to grow into the woman of God who is passing the same truth to others which has been passed on to you. I continue to pray for Jill’s family and friends, such as yourself, to be comforted and given much grace through such a sad loss.

  7. Brandi Says:

    My heart aches to hear that you have again, experienced great loss. What an incredible lady she was! I don’t know her, never heard of her before, but can tell from your words that she was a mighty, godly woman. Praise God for precious memories and people that make lasting impressions on our lives.

  8. Rachel Says:

    Linnea, I am sorry to hear about the loss of Jill. I remember praying for her during our Bible studies together. It seems like lately I’ve seen more of Life than I ever have before while growing up. I’ve come to accept that life is really a journey-with ups and downs and unexpected events. But I have grown to find peace in knowing the Lords plan is a good plan and that even though we may not understand why things happen, we can trust that the outcome of our influence, when showered in Grace, can be fruitful. I never met Jill or her family but her influence will be fruitful in MY life! Peace be with her family. Love You Sister!
    Rachel

  9. Nelson Says:

    Wow! what a tribute. i was so moved by the memories and really got a kick out of the prayer of Jabez coin thing. Rob and i were just talking about it last night. he had never heard of it. i watched a sermon on a Christian TV station by Joel Osteen. i had never seen him preach before. it was very positive, like the Prayer of Jabez. we have such a richness in the relationships we have through YWAM, don’t we. most of my closest friends are former YWAMers. i love you guys..

  10. julia Says:

    Linni,
    I am so sorry to hear about Jill. I know that she had a huge impact on your life and will be missed a lot. I will be praying for you, as well as her family. Love you.
    Julia

  11. Megan Meketarian Says:

    Linnea,
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I’m thankful, Jill has impacted your life so much as she has many of us. I still cannot fathom that she isn’t here as well,& my heart hurts. I’m thankful that she is without a doubt in heaven rejoicing! God has definitely been reminding me how fragile life is. I’m thinking about Jill’s family & thinking of you as well, Linnea. I pray your heart finds rest & peace in Jesus when it begins to feel heavy. Would love to chat with you sometime soon!

    Miss you & love you, Linnea.

    Hugs,
    Megan

  12. heather coleman Says:

    Linnea,

    thank you for such a beautiful tribute to the wonderful Jilly Bean! I find myself thinking of all the moments I spent with her over the years, and the way the memories live on and still inspire me today. we are all better having known her and so blessed to call her “friend.”

    hugs!

  13. Kristy Langton Schlimgen Says:

    Thanks Linnea for sharing…I love hearing these stories! She really loved you.

  14. Luke Says:

    Your writting both inspires and challenges me to experience life differently. Hope, strength, and peace.

  15. Nathan Hakeem Says:

    hey Linnea…
    thanks for sharing your heart and your memories. hearing of Jill’s passing was difficult, but more so I think I’ve been in shock. Its been years since I spoke with her or saw her, so its all a little surreal. Reading your blog, I’m sitting here welling up as I think of all the memories I got to share with Jill. She was such an amazing person, and I too am one who can testify to the fact that Jill played a very significant role in where God has brought me today.
    Until today, I had not yet written anything to anyone about Jill, probably due to the fact that its easier to be in disbelief than to allow yourself to remember and grieve. I know that words often fall very short in expressing deep feelings and in trying to console people, but then I have to remember that sometimes words are all we can share and sometimes saying just something is better than not saying anything. Thanks for sharing this, its inspired me to share a few thoughts as well… both here and with some others.
    blessings, Nathan Hakeem