Kiss Your Miracle

When Adam got home from work yesterday I left Sky with him and walked down to my sister-in-law Aron’s house for our once-a-week prayer session.  I have to admit, relief flooded my body as I headed down the road – not because I felt inspired to pray, but because it meant a break from being at home. It had been a weird day. Sky had fallen asleep in the car for five minutes – five minutes! – and that was enough to steal her entire morning nap. She was too awake to sleep, but too fussy to enjoy anything. Then she had an explosive poop, and while I was trying to get her yucky clothes off she managed to put her hands into the poop and smear it on her head (ick ick ick!). A single diaper change turned into an hour-long process including a bath for Sky and a whole bunch of laundry for me. I arrived at Aron’s house in a daze – exhausted, overheated, and irritated.

We went out to her back porch and I sipped a glass of water, trying to refocus my thoughts. When I asked Aron about her day she shared a bit about the Bible study she leads for high school girls. She’s been trying to convince them that God’s hand is on them in every situation, even when they can’t feel it. “I want them to know that none of their pain is wasted. God can redeem it all.” She acknowledged that we don’t always get to see full redemption here on earth, but that many times we will – if we persevere in faith. Then she said this: “At the end of the day, all that matters to me is that I refused to give Satan the victory.” I sat back in my chair, thinking about infertility. Satan wants to use it to make a woman give in to doubt and despair; God wants to pull that woman close and create in her a faith that goes beyond circumstances. Whether she realizes it or not, throughout each day she is allowing one side or the other to have his way in her life.

Suddenly it occurred to me that the same truth applies to me now as a mother. During my infertility I thought a lot about God and how I wanted to be a person who praised him every day, even if I never had a child. There were plenty of times when I was overwhelmed by my emotions, but infertility is a crisis, and I knew I had to choose God every day just to survive as a Christian. In the mundane day-to-day of life though, it’s harder for me to stay focused. Things that are insignificant in the long run warp my perspective and I find myself tired, feeling a vague sort of sadness over regrets from my past and a general anxiety about the future. There are times when it actually feels good to let my thoughts wander and those dark feelings take over. It can happen without me realizing it, and it often doesn’t even seem like a big deal. But Aron’s comment reminded me that there’s more going on each day than I can see. I Peter 5 says that we should be sober and alert because our “enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (v. 8).  I don’t want to over-spiritualize things and blame Satan for my bad mood when it’s really my own fault. But that’s exactly the point – I have a choice about who I allow to move in life. Self-pity, jealousy, ingratitude – they’re sneaky sins that quietly settle over us when we’re not paying attention. They seem less serious than other more visible sins. But they have the power to make us completely ineffective in the kingdom of God. We can’t really be there for others or even hear from God when we’re all wrapped up in ourselves.

As I walked home yesterday I suddenly felt wide awake, broken out of the complaining haze I’d been drifting around in all day. Pastor Colin Smith says this about the spirit realm: “In every situation God is at work and your enemy is never asleep.” It’s a simple question: who has the victory in my life today?