Laughter September 15, 2009
Many things have surprised me about parenthood. Today while Sky entertained Adam and me with a doo rag (thanks Julia!), I realized how much our little girl makes us laugh. And once she realizes that she’s the one responsible for it, there’s no stopping her. She goes on and on and we end up laughing so hard our faces hurt. It’s quite the contrast from our pre-parent days. Sure, we laughed with each other then. But the sadness of infertility was always with us, even when we’d pushed it to the back of our minds. Home is a different place now – noisier and more chaotic and always on the messy side – and we love it this way.
At the same time, I’m nervous about having our second baby. I’m thrilled. But scared, too. Days when Sky demands all my attention I wonder how I’ll manage with another one. I wonder when I’ll sleep. Sky does great at night, but often naps an hour or less. When I’m up with a newborn at night and up with Sky all day, how will I function? I love sleep. I need sleep. For the first few months after Sky’s birth, I lived in survival mode. I knew overall that motherhood was just what I always wanted. But I still spent many of those early days at home fighting the baby blues, struggling to keep perspective. And when I really and truly remember that time I start to panic at the thought of doing it again, this time with a one-year-old along for the ride.
I feel funny admitting that. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful. And I know that millions of women all over the world cope with a lot more than two kids at once. My own mom has seven. My aunt has seven, too. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. How can I want more children and still find myself intimidated by it?
But recently I discovered something that helps me whenever I start to get anxious. I picture my parents and my brothers and sisters sitting around the dinner table. I think about each person, and the way we’re all different, but how we still get along, and how much laughing goes on when we’re all together. I can’t imagine my family with even one person missing and I’m so glad my parents didn’t just focus on how exhausting and expensive it is to have babies. From the beginning they saw each of us as individual people, created by God to be part of our family, but with our own separate lives, too. And that’s how I want to see Sky and our next baby and any other babies God decides to give us – not as my full-time job or even just as my children, but as growing, changing individuals with a God-ordained destiny far bigger than simply enlarging my family. On days like today, when Sky makes us laugh and we get to see a little bit more of who God has made her to be, it’s not so difficult to do.
All of your feelings are totally fair…I worried about being able to love another child as much as we love our first. I agonized over it. The night before I was to be induced with our son, I doubted myself. But it is there, in you, all of it and then some!
Sorry, the first comment is mine…I forgot to put my name!
I love your openness and your vulnerability Linni…
Let me tell you something about parenthood. Whenever people know my story and see me LIVE with my 5 kids and say – “oh, its Danielle, she can do it!”, I laugh. There are days where it is pure scary! I am completely outnumbered by children and the amount of things to remember and the ways I get stretched – – you wouldn’t believe! But, I believe God has endless grace for mommies. In fact, I KNOW He does! Its ok to have days where you don’t get out of your pj’s! ITS OK! Don’t let stereotypes and fear of failure and the pressure as we (as women & Are SO guilty of it) look @ other friends and other mommies and play the comparison game…don’t let it trip you up! Do your best, do what you can do and let God meet you and give to your children what you cannot. Its the only way to truly be successful!
Hey Linni. You have voiced my exact feelings of recent weeks. I too need lots of sleep and am already finding it difficult not being able to nap during the day when Nicholas is up and about. I am worried about not being able to function properly when baby #2 arrives. But at the same time, deep down, I know that I will. Somehow God WILL give me the strength and I know that we’ll get by! When I think of my mum and your Mum, and many others with lots of babies, I just can’t IMAGINE how they do it. But they do, and they smile, and they carry on!
I guess it’s all the fun of being a Mum and discovering this stuff! I’m trying hard to make the most of this time though, while it is just Nicholas and me at home during the week, and be grateful that it’s just him for now.
One day at a time!
PS,
What fantastic photos of Sky! x
Thanks you guys. What encouraging comments! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. And I just have to add this – last night I was watching that show “Eighteen Kids & Counting” and the mom announced she is pregnant with number 19. (!!!) And at the end of the show she said, “By God’s grace I’ll carry this child. By God’s grace I’ll deliver this child. And by God’s grace we’ll raise this child.” That pretty much sums it up.
Linni,
Let me assure that your feelings are normal.
I remember feeling scared when I was pregnant with my second one and the first one was only 13 months old. I called both pregnancies “God planned” for if I waited until I felt ready to be a parent of one or more, I was not confident enough for that decision. It is true that God does give us what we need for raising each child He gives us. Some days do feel like it is nothing but diapers, feeding, rocking and entertaining them. But before long, those days are gone and on to a new phase where you get a little more sleep and time for yourself or with friends. Having friends and family surrounding you with support or helping for a few hours on those overwhelming days makes a difference also.
Linni, thanks for you honesty! To those of us on the outside, we know that you will handle being a mom of two beautifully! You are doing such a great job with Sky and this new little one will bring so much joy. You will especially love watching Sky interact with her new brother or sister. This baby is such a gift to you and Ad, but also to Sky! I have found that it is always good to be a little out of our comfort zone. It brings your dependance on God front and center. He will definitely show up and hold your hand as you walk through your difficult, tired days ahead. I remember those days well, but now, SO QUICKLY, they are gone. I so wish we lived closer so that I could help you (now that I am no longer in a sleep deprived stupor). I absolutely love the pics. Sky is a beauty!! Those eyes….