Kiss Your Miracle

motherhood after infertility


Sunset November 13, 2009

Filed under: Faith,Family,Infertility — Linnea @ 8:58 pm

If I had to summarize the last month beach fireof my life with one word, it’d probably be the title of my last post – grief. But today, God broke into the middle of our sadness again and gave us a beautiful night. After a day of working around the house we went down to the beach for the sunset. My brother Hans and his wife Katy picked up McDonald’s for everyone, and Nelson and Adam built a fire. My mom and Aunt Mary brought the dogs, who always entertain the babies, and Sky ate her very first Happy Meal. A true American, she loved it. A little later she had her first toasted marshmallow, which she also loved, until she realized her fingers were completely stuck together and there was nothing she could do about it. Before Sky’s meltdown though, I did manage to stop and take a breath and acknowledge how nice it was to be down on the beach in the still, fall air, having a sunset picnic with my family.

My family is changing. My dad isn’t with us anymore, and soon Adam and I will have a son. The thing about infertility that many people don’t know is that it affects every other area of your life. If we were still dealing with it, the pain of my dad’s death would be magnified. That sense of change – of saying goodbye and of welcoming too – would only be a sense of loss. The time we’ve spent remembering my dad would be shaded by the fear that my husband might never get to experience fatherhood himself. For me, infertility quietly emphasized every other pain I faced.

Recently I’ve had friends express their sympathy to me that my dad died during this pregnancy. And it is tragic to think about how my father will never get to meet his next grandchild. But at the same time, nothing in my life so far has shown me God’s extravagance the way being pregnant has. I’ve never prayed for anything more than I prayed to become a mother, and God chose to answer those prayers with miracle babies. No matter how sad I am to have lost my dad, I can’t ignore God’s sweetness in my life. I still have my mom, and my brothers and sisters. I have my Adam and my Skylar. And even as I write this, I feel my baby boy – another miraculous answer to prayer – kicking and stretching, each day growing a bit closer to entering the world, my family, my arms.

Lake Michigan Sunset (1 of 1)

 

8 Responses to “Sunset”

  1. marta Says:

    Your writing is amazing and the pictures are gorgeous!
    Even Jack Johnson says, “New life makes losing life easier to understand.” I’m so glad you can spend this time with the family and that everyone is able to be so close to your mom right now!

  2. Connie Says:

    Linnie, So glad you can be with your Mom now. I can remember being in your situation when my Mom went to be with Jesus. I’m sure you know that you will tell your little boy about his grandpa and even remind Skylar over the years. Your wonderful Dad will always be a part of your lives and what a privilege you have to share with your children about what kind of a Dad and grandfather he was. Love you lots!

  3. Brandi Says:

    I could have written this very same thing 3 years ago. I lost my Dad when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Dawson. We didn’t know Dawson was a boy until he was born, which made it all the more bitter-sweet. I am still saddened to this day that my father never got to meet our 2 boys, but I see Dad in them everyday. “He gives and takes away” has never been more true in my own life than losing Dad and gaining a son all in the same year. Praying for you friend.

  4. Karin Says:

    Beautiful pictures! Your new baby will bring much happiness and always remind you of this special time. Nate will be with you all the way, for sure.

  5. Bethany Scott Says:

    You are a good example of the saying about counting what you have left, not what you have lost. Thank you.

  6. Russell Oliver Says:

    Linnie; I am so sorry for not writing lately but things at The YMCA have been a little hectic. I just thank God as You and Adam do daily for the miracle of Skylar and the New Miracle that is soon to come in just a few months. I have been keeping up with all of the Blogs from you and your mom, I think it is so great that all of you children are there for your mom and each other. The sunsets are some of the most beautiful sunsets I ever seen and I have seen a lot in many different places. May God continue to richly bless your family through this Holiday Season and through the years to come.
    Love always; Uncle Rusty

  7. Cathy R Says:

    Linnea, I’m SO glad that your dad knew about your baby and Hans and Katy’s twins!! He didn’t get to meet them on this earth, but he’s expecting those new grandbabies right along with you, I’m sure. I’m know he must have been so happy for both of your families. It was probably a bright spot for him amidst the suffering. The blog your mom posted with the ultrasounds was fabulous – one of my favorites. I’m praying for your family as everyone heads back home to the rest of life.

  8. jess fouche Says:

    Love you Linni. You are beautiful in and out, filled with God’s grace and strength. He is glorified in your life and words!! Your Mom’s eternal perspective is so beautiful as well and speaks to the kind of faith God truly desires- looking to more than just the here and now. I want to live with that perspective.