Kiss Your Miracle

I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now and it’s been a great experience, mainly because of you, my reader-friends. It was a bit scary when I first started, but your comments were always supportive and understanding. I had no idea all the things I’d be writing about this past year. I just knew I wanted to talk about my experience with infertility and my start as a mother. Then I was suddenly pregnant again, and I got to share all about that and the birth of Micah Nathan this past February. I also wrote about my dad’s cancer and death. This past year has been one of major changes; writing the blog has forced me to spend time thinking it all through. And if the blog has been therapeutic, you all have been the counselors. It’s been wonderful to dump out my feelings and have you read them and remind me I’m not alone. Your encouraging words will stay with me for a long time.

I’ve decided to wrap up this blog for now and maybe start something new in the fall. I’ve written a lot about motherhood through the lens of infertility, which is a perspective I never want to forget. My history makes me grateful for the miracles I’ve been given and it helps me empathize with anyone still waiting to be a parent. At the same time, I’m ready to move forward and let the infertility chapter of my life be closed. I don’t want to dwell on the pain God has removed.

The Bible talks a lot about seasons and how there’s a proper time for everything. Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books, says there is a time to be silent and a time to speak (3:7). I think I’ve said what I wanted, so maybe now is a time to be quiet. Ecclesiastes also says, “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” (6:11). A talker like me should take wisdom like that to heart.

Thanks again for reading. Your comments have lifted my spirits more than you probably know. I also have to give a great big thank you to my sweet Adam, who set up my blog, maintained it (along with blogs for several other people), talked through lots of ideas with me, read every single post, and touched up all the photos. It’s pretty cool to be married to your favorite person on the planet.

I hope over this past year I’ve said something you’ve found encouraging. But more than that, I hope I’ve given glory to God. His opinion matters most of all.

PS – I couldn’t do my last post without tossing in a couple family photos. I just love these people so much!

Micah is turning into a little thumb-sucker. This is both a good and bad thing. Self-soothing is a wonderful skill for a baby to develop, both for his sake and his parents’. And Micah looks cute sucking his thumb. But sometimes I wonder if he’ll get so hooked on it that he’ll still be doing it in grade school, wanting to give it up, but unable to resist the temptation.

Habits are hard to break for both kids and adults. Most of us here in America have access to all kinds of comfort. It’s a blessing until we go from simply enjoying something to becoming dependent on it. But where is that line? How do we know if we should try for moderation or just cut something out entirely?

The Bible tells us to sacrifice for the sake of holiness (Romans 12:1) and to keep ourselves unstained by the world (James 1:27). But it also tells us to enjoy life. The author of Ecclesiastes writes, “I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God” (3:12-13).

I believe in absolute truth, and in some places Scripture is very clear. Jesus says He is the only way to eternal life. You can’t get around that and still claim to believe the Bible. But Scripture is also full of ambiguity. It’s fascinating to me that God chose to leave His word in our hands to interpret and apply.

And sometimes it’s frustrating. I have categories where I want God to spell out the details for me. How much wine is too much? How much media is too much? I guess if there was one sweeping standard, it’d be laid out in the Bible. It seems my question about the line – what God wants His believers to enjoy and what He wants them to sacrifice – will be drawn in different places for each individual.

Figuring all this out isn’t easy. But the more I talk with God and search His word for answers, the more I know Him. God does everything on purpose, and it seems He wants me to spend this time with Him as He helps me draw lines where they need to be. Not for others, but for myself. And not for the past or the future, but for now. I like the little comforts God has put in my life, but I want to save my love for God Himself, and writing my personal definition of moderation is part of that.

I’m not sure what all this has to do with Micah and his thumb-sucking. But it’s interesting how thought-provoking a baby can be.

I know moms aren’t supposed to wish their children were older. We’re supposed to enjoy each stage for what it is, and I try to do that. But sometimes I wish Micah could talk. Like last week, for example. He was extra fussy and I couldn’t figure out why. He seemed to be over his cold, but he didn’t want me to put him down at all. I’d put him in the swing or on his play mat, but he’d only last a few minutes. Then he’d suddenly burst into tears like I’d abandoned him forever, so I’d pick him up again. Almost everything I accomplished last week was done with one hand.

Then on Thursday night I was giving Micah a bath when I noticed two tiny white lines in his gums. So he’d had a good reason for all that fussing; he’d been cutting his first two teeth.

I’ll be happy when Micah can explain in words what he needs. In the meantime, I’ll just keep holding him. It’s really not such a bad way to spend the day.

I was a little nervous yesterday morning as I drove to our last MOPS meeting of the year. Along with three other women, I was scheduled to give a short testimony about how God has worked in my life. I’d decided to focus on the infertility and our miracle babies, which is a story I love to tell. But writing about it or sharing it in a conversation is not the same as talking about it over a microphone in front of a large group. It also didn’t help that I had to go first. The room was very quiet as I walked toward the podium.

As soon as I got through my opening paragraph though, I felt myself relax. I stopped worrying about how I was coming across and started thinking about the words, the story, and what God had done. When I got to the end of my testimony, I shared two scriptures God keeps putting in my head (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which just might be the theme scripture for the rest of my life, and Isaiah 43:1-2, which is one of the most comforting promises I’ve ever read). After I thanked everyone for listening and headed for my seat in the back of the room, I felt this sudden rush of happiness. I guess part of it was relief that I was done with the up-front sharing part. But mostly it was joy at the memory how God answered the biggest prayer I’ve ever prayed.

It’s funny sometimes how God works. I wanted to encourage one or two of my MOPS friends with my little speech, and I hope that happened. But I was also talking to myself, reminding my forgetful brain of just how good I have it and how powerful my God really is.

I can’t wait to pass our story on to Sky and Micah. I hope when they look back on their childhood they forget the times I got irritated and complained about nothing. I want them to remember how their mom was always talking about God’s goodness and His blessing on our family.

“Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty – and I will meditate on your wonderful works.” – Psalm 145:3-5

After she has her bath, and kisses her Daddy and Micah goodnight, Sky runs off to bed. Sometimes she talks and sings a while in her crib before she actually falls asleep, but she never resists going to bed. And there is one reason for this. It’s not my hugs and kisses or the peaceful prayers I say. It’s her bottle. When she goes to bed she gets a bottle of milk, and this bottle has somehow become a treasure in her life that she seems to love more and more every night.

At Sky’s one year check-up, her pediatrician said we should work towards giving up bottles, and I left that day thinking we would get around to that little project soon. But I let a couple months go by. Then my dad got sick and we left for Michigan, where Sky’s bottle became the last thing on my mind. We arrived home in time for the holidays and soon afterward, Micah was born. We could have worked on it then, but it seemed like cruel timing to take away one of Sky’s biggest comforts right after she’d given up her place as the only child in our family.

We realize we’ve already broken an “every good parent knows” rule by letting Sky take her bottle into the bed with her at night. It’s just that having an automatic, happy bedtime was so wonderful when we first started it that we haven’t been able to stop. Yikes, is our whole family addicted to bottles? Sky is now twenty-two months and since we’ve made it through Micah’s newborn days we figure it’s probably time to help Sky become a “big girl” and give up her bottles. We’re just not sure how to do it gently. Thoughts? Ideas? We definitely need help with this one…