Kiss Your Miracle

How could you not love kids this cute? Micah’s big, toothless grins definitely make up for some of my feeding-every-few-hours-at-night exhaustion. And Sky’s excitement over just about everything in life makes up for some of the stress her temper tantrums cause. But it still hasn’t been an easy week.

Near the end of my pregnancy, I started to get nervous about dealing with the baby blues. I went through a bit of depression right after I had Sky and wondered if it would happen again, only more so because of my dad’s death, Jill’s death, and the extra work of having two kids instead of just one. But Micah’s birth was wonderful and just a week and a half later, my mom and sisters arrived. I was tired, but relieved and thankful to have two healthy children and my family here with me.

Now though, as Micah closes in on two months, I’ve noticed myself feeling a bit weary, as if the adrenaline I ran on for the first six weeks of his life has worn off, leaving me tired and spent. It’s awful to feel down when your life overflows with blessings, so I’m doing my best to live gratefully the way I know God wants me to. I believe there are times when my emotions aren’t trustworthy and this seems to be one of those times. Exhaustion tends to cloud my thoughts, especially when it lasts for weeks.

As I write this, I’m hearing the words of many mothers a little ahead of me on the path saying, “This too shall pass,” and I know it will. I’ll start to get more sleep and things will naturally look brighter. I feel guilty even admitting to the baby blues after everything God’s given me. But there’s no point to this blog if I’m not being honest, so I thought I’d share with you what’s happening in my head today, even as I know things will get better tomorrow.

Whenever I sit down with the breast pump, Sky immediately comes running over with her arms stretched out. “Skylar pumping! Skylar pumping!” she says, wanting a turn for herself. So when I’m finished I hand it over.

Life as a mom is sometimes stressful. I’m thankful for any chance I get to laugh during the day and grateful Sky gives me plenty of opportunities.

In my little world these days, the only sound worse than Skylar throwing a temper tantrum is Micah screaming his brains out. There are times when our house is a very loud place. But the Bible tells us to “seek peace and pursue it,” which I take literally. So if it’s possible to avoid a total meltdown for all three of us, then that’s what I want to do.

When Micah’s fussy, there are two things that rarely fail to calm him down: the Ergo carrier and the bouncy ball. The combination of the two usually puts him to sleep (at least for a little while). But Sky is still adjusting to her brother, and the minute he goes into the Ergo she comes running at me with her arms out. “Hold you mommy!” she’ll cry over and over. So I do. And we all bounce together on the ball.

When Adam first took this photo he said, “Wow, you look so happy!” I am happy; having two kids is a dream come true for me. Though I can’t claim to be happy about all the time I spend these days pacing the floor or bouncing on that ball, I know someday I’ll look back at this picture and laugh. People even say I’ll feel wistful and nostalgic for this time in my life. Right now exhaustion keeps me from imagining that, but I’ve always believed that anything’s possible.

“He (God) settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” I came across this verse the other day in the Bible (Psalm 113:9) and felt myself come to a stop. I haven’t read Psalm 113 in a while, and I couldn’t help but remember how that particular verse struck me during our infertility. I’d usually sit there wondering, what about me, God? Will this apply to me someday?

It turns out God did have babies planned for me, but I still think of infertility when I read the verse. I can’t help but wonder about my friends, the ones still waiting, unsure if God has children in store for them as well. Many couples who struggle with infertility go on to get pregnant or adopt children and become happy parents that way. But it doesn’t happen for everyone. If a couple dealing with infertility gets to a place where they feel settled in their lives as a family of two, that’s one thing. But what about those who continue to wait painfully year after year?

Most Christians would probably say this verse is mainly about God’s character. He is gracious and giving and takes care of His people. It’s a principal, not a promise. And I would agree with that interpretation. But that doesn’t mean the verse is easy for an infertile woman to read. It definitely wasn’t for me. The Bible refers to itself as a sword – a truth that works on many levels. Sometimes the emotions it brings out are piercing, and the only way I know to respond to that pain is with prayer. I used to pray for myself, that God would help me deal with the feeling of being forgotten, and that He would “remember” me the way He remembered Sarah, Hannah, Leah, Rachel, Rebecca, Elizabeth, and many other women of the Bible. Now I pray the same words for my friends.

This morning God added a new dimension to this verse for me. The word “happy” practically jumped off the page into my face. Now that God has answered my prayer and made me a mother, can I honestly say I’ve responded with joy? Not just at first, but now, in the day-to-day reality of life with two little kids? Am I happy? Or am I just on to the next thing I wish I could change? The verse is about God, but it’s also a challenge to me and the perspective I choose every day.

When Sky first met Micah, she immediately offered him a ball to play with. It was a perfect beginning. But Micah’s officially a month old now, and since that first day, we’ve had our share of conflict – like this morning, when Skylar cried through Micah’s entire thirty minute feeding because I wasn’t giving her my full attention.

During those times I usually remind myself of all the wonderful mothers I know who somehow make life work with many children. The women in my family are all role models for me, especially because they’re willing to talk about their parenting mistakes and compromises. When my mom was here right after Micah’s birth, Sky was having an off day, and my mom told me to put on some cartoons for her. “But isn’t it bad for her?” I said. I do let Sky watch TV, but I usually feel guilty for it. “Are you kidding?” my mom laughed. “I used to beg you guys to watch TV when you were toddlers.”

I’m not trying to advocate lots of TV for little kids and I know my mom isn’t either (my only TV-related memories are of her telling us to turn it off). I’m just grateful that my mothering examples have never pretended like their kids didn’t taste sugar or watch a movie until they left home. I hope I set high standards and try for the best with my children, but it’s good to remember I don’t have to be perfect. Life isn’t always as pretty as our pictures; I’ve had several major meltdowns in the past four weeks. But I think that’s just how it is to be a mom. It’s messy and chaotic and emotional I love it anyway.