Kiss Your Miracle

Our baby boy’s due date is less than a month away now and I’ve spent my share of time wondering how I’ll manage Sky at eighteen months along with a newborn. Today though, it occurred to me that I should be spending at least an equal amount of time enjoying my little girl. Right now she has my undivided attention, and although it’s uncomfortable to carry her on top of my oversized belly, I can still cuddle her whenever she wants it. I admit that sometimes she frustrates me, but she also makes me laugh – a lot. This morning when I was getting ready in front of the mirror, I realized she was being way too quiet. I expected to turn around and find my dresser emptied or my journal destroyed or something like that, but instead she was sitting quietly on the floor, studying a People magazine as if she could read every word. I love taking pictures of her and looking at them later when she’s in bed for the night. It helps me remember the good moments from the day and washes away some of the tension.

When the two of us are home alone during the week, we go on plenty of outings to move each day along. We go to the park and outside for walks and to the children’s section of the library, but I also take her to the places I like – Barnes and Noble and Panera. Sky loves being out and interacting with people, and although she’s pretty demanding while we’re in the car, I’m still only responsible for one child at this point. There’s just one car seat in our Forrester and I’m still using a single stroller. Hopefully by springtime, I’ll be out and about with both Sky and her little brother, and I’m sure I’ll take plenty of pictures of our son and both kids together. But it won’t be quite the same as life now with just my daughter. And as I appreciate having two kids, I also want to know that I enjoyed the time I had with just one.

It’s New Years Eve, which means today marks the end of 2009. And even though I’ll probably be fast asleep at midnight (unless I happen to be up for one of my many nightly trips to the bathroom at that moment), I’m looking forward to this holiday. I’m sure tomorrow morning will feel almost the same as this morning, but there’s still something nice about the start of a new year. I’ve always been grateful for beginnings and endings. I don’t think it’s a mistake that sunrise and sunset are the most beautiful, peaceful times of the day.

This year especially, the thought of a new start brings relief. I won’t say that ’09 has been all bad; it’s definitely had its share of blessings. In June we found out about miracle baby #2. We celebrated Sky’s first birthday in July and then in the fall learned that our second child is a boy. But this year also held financial stress and health problems for our extended family. And overwhelmingly, 2009 will be remembered as the year of my dad’s cancer diagnosis and his death on November 3^rd. The past few months have been difficult, so in that sense, I’m ready to move forward.

At the same time though, there is a part of me that actually wants to hold onto this year. The pain of my dad’s death is still new and shocking, and every first my family goes through without him stings. Sky still remembers her Papa, but she’s only seventeen months and I know that as time ticks by, her memories of him are fading. I don’t want my dad’s absence to become normal. But I also know that living in a state of grief indefinitely isn’t healthy, and maybe that’s part of why God steadily pushes us on to new months, new years, and new phases of life, even when we might not feel ready.

I hope that for Adam, Sky, and me, 2010 will include a good birth experience and a healthy newborn addition to our family. I hope this year includes a healthy set of twins for my brother and his wife in April, and I’m also asking our Almighty God to give miracle pregnancies to the couples I know who still struggle with infertility. I’m excited at the possibilities of 2010, but the unknown is scary too. I’m sure this coming year will include surprises, some so wonderful we haven’t imagined them yet, and some we would never choose for ourselves. More than ever, I can’t escape the fact that life is fragile. But God has promised that goodness and mercy will follow each of his children all of our days. And I plan to do what I can this year to take Him at His word, regardless of what the future holds.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…” – Psalm 46:1-2

Christmas 2009 has come and gone, and I have to say that part of me is relieved. I hadn’t been looking forward to this first year without my dad, especially since the rest of my family was 1200 miles away in Michigan. But overall, the holiday wasn’t as difficult as I’d expected. We spent Christmas Day with Adam’s sweet family, who lavished Sky with gift after gift. I couldn’t help but feel grateful for our Florida family as we sat around eating quiche and bagels that morning, taking turns pulling Sky around our living room in her new red wagon, which she still can’t get enough of (good job Grammy and Grandpa!).

My highlight though, was Christmas Eve. Our original plan had been the candlelight service at our church – until we found out there would be no childcare. At seventeen months, Sky isn’t capable of even five minutes of quiet stillness and it didn’t seem fair to ask that of her. Adam and I debated going anyway, but finally decided that it might be more meaningful to stay home together instead of trading off with Sky in the lobby. When Sky suddenly threw up all over the kitchen floor at 5:45pm, Adam and I were more than relieved to be at home instead of the 5 o’clock service. We ended up putting her to bed a little after 7, thinking we’d hear from her soon afterward, but apparently her “sickness” was just a little random puking because she slept straight through till morning.

Once Sky was in bed, Adam and I shared a little wine, ate grilled steak and baked potatoes for dinner, and read Matthew 5 together. It’s not a traditional Christmas passage, but for us that night, it was perfect. We sat at the table for two hours discussing the words of Jesus. Then before bed, we ate some of Jesus’ birthday cake with a little ice cream on the side.

I love my family with all my heart and I always look forward to sharing Christmas with them, but this year the grief of missing my dad made it easier to think about God and his promise of eternal life. My mom is constantly pointing out ways God has blessed us during this difficult year, and I think that Christmas Eve was one of them for me. A couple hours with Adam where we focused on God together – no dressing up, no socializing, no presents, no agenda. It was exactly what I needed for Christmas this year.

It was 39 degrees when we woke up this morning. As the sun rose outside, you could even see a touch of frost on the grass outside, which is definitely not typical here in central Florida. I realize that God doesn’t think of just one person when he creates the weather, but the chilly temperature felt like an early Christmas present he put together for me.

As we got ready for church I dressed Sky in thick tights beneath her skirt and went to get her puffy blue coat from the closet. Then I remembered another coat we had – a bright red dress coat – that would go much better over her church clothes. It originally belonged to me. When I outgrew it, my mom passed it on to a neighbor, and her daughter wore it for a while. She never gave it away though, and a few years ago when she heard Adam and I were expecting a baby girl, she gave the coat back to my mom and told her to pass it along to us.

I laughed when my mom lugged it all the way down to Florida after Sky was born. It seemed like a lot of effort to go through for a heavy coat I doubted Sky would wear much. I can’t stand clutter, and I’ve always been much more likely to give old clothes to Goodwill or toss them than to store them. But this morning when I remembered that coat, I immediately dug it out of the back of Sky’s closet, excited to see if it might fit her. It was a bit large, but she looked cute in it anyway. And she liked it too. “Take some pictures!” I told Adam, even though we were running late.

Seeing Sky in that coat reminded me of my own days as a little girl. Every week, whether it was freezing cold or hot and humid, my parents dressed us up in our Sunday best and took us into the city for church, usually followed by a big dinner with our extended family. Since my dad’s death in November, I’ve found myself thinking more about my childhood, and all the good things my parents gave us. Parenting seemed easy before I started doing it myself. I’m more aware now of how hard my mom and dad worked to provide their kids with the stability we took for granted.

My innocent childhood memories keep me on track when motherhood isn’t fun, and I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful that I’ve always known how much my mom loves being a mom despite the sacrifice it requires, and I hope that over years I communicate that same message to my own family.

Near the time of my dad’s death, my mom wrote a post on her blog about being her husband’s helper. When she was overwhelmed with the idea of caring for him through his cancer, she felt God reminding her that all she needed to do was the thing she’d always done: help him. Her words stuck with me, partly because I know she really lived that way. I have no memories of my mom belittling my dad, correcting him, or nagging him. Even during my self-centered teenage years when I was hyper-critical of my father and constantly pointing out his flaws, my mom never once agreed with me. She would always defend her husband.

Now that I’m older and married, her philosophy of helping has even more meaning, and I keep thinking about it. To be honest, it’s not really that difficult for me to want to help Adam, and I guess that’s mainly because he’s always helping me. I used to give Sky a bath every night, but now that my belly is big enough to make the process really awkward, he does it. “No, you put your feet up,” he tells me when I offer to help.

Sky just cut two new teeth and she’s been irritable this week (major understatement). But Adam still jumps right in with her when he gets home from work. The other day after he put up our Christmas lights while I sat in a lawn chair on the driveway, he took Sky for ride after ride on his old long skateboard. I grabbed the camera and found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for my husband, who takes such good care of his family. Things in our marriage are really good right now. But I’m also praying we have many more years together, and that will probably include some tough stretches. I hope I don’t forget my mom’s wisdom when those difficult times come, and instead of pushing my own agenda or trying to prove that I’m right, I hope I step back and focus on what God really wants us to do in our marriages: help each other.